DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
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I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you