Match dot com, but for socks.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?