sin harder.
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My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food