I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
You Might Also Like
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that