My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
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My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I’m Sold!
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I triple waxed for this?
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.