Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
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doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.