my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting