@perlhack

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

@perlhack

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

@perlhack

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

@perlhack

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

@perlhack

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

@perlhack

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

@perlhack

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

@perlhack

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

@perlhack

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

@perlhack

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting