grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*