my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
me and the Superbowl rn
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?