texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
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I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I saw nothing