Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
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me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.