The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
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interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
My last name is Zilla.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
#oldknees
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.