I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
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i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
If you know, you know
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.