Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”