*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
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My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Breaking news:
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”