“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
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GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.