*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
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DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
“and how does that make you feel?”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?