*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
You Might Also Like
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.