Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
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My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.