I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
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“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I hate my earbuds.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.