Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
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Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Found the job I’m suited for
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???