@philco816

Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .

Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.

Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.

@philco816

Note on the bed side table read “this isn’t working,” but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. I don’t know what her problem was.

@philco816

Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy.

Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though.

Mb: I don’t care just get it done.

@philco816

Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

@philco816

Kids we are running late let’s go!

*Kids I’m going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*

@philco816

*hands stranger a condom

S: I don’t need this

Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak

@philco816

Why is this wet? Just one of the fun games you get to play as a parent.

@philco816

There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.