I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
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DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019