Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .
Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.
Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.
Note on the bed side table read “this isn’t working,” but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. I don’t know what her problem was.
Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy.
Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though.
Mb: I don’t care just get it done.
Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.
Kids we are running late let’s go!
*Kids I’m going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*
*hands stranger a condom
S: I don’t need this
Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak
Why is this wet? Just one of the fun games you get to play as a parent.
There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.