Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
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I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
How to find Kentucky on a map
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.