i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
You Might Also Like
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Hard not to take this personally
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
This meal prepping shit easy
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same