Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Crabs can’t eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.
I’m the opposite of a bee keeper. I lose bees all the time. I left a hive on the train today. Just accidentally threw a bee at a nun.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich