Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
You Might Also Like
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!