interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans


friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on


If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday


doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs


alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up


wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol


“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do


wife: our beautiful baby girl

me: she’s got your eyes

wife: and your nose

Gimili: and my axe


me: I love jalapeños

boss: same

me: we’re palapeños 🙂

boss: you’re fired


I shot him. I shot him three times. From far away. He tried to get up and I just shot him again.

– my 5 year old talking about Mario Kart