interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
wife: our beautiful baby girl
me: she’s got your eyes
wife: and your nose
Gimili: and my axe
me: I love jalapeños
me: we’re palapeños 🙂
boss: you’re fired
I shot him. I shot him three times. From far away. He tried to get up and I just shot him again.
– my 5 year old talking about Mario Kart