@pilau

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

@pilau

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

@pilau

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

@pilau

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

@pilau

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

@pilau

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

@pilau

Prince Charming: I must find the owner of this glass slipper

King: what does she look like?

Prince Charming: girl

@pilau

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

@pilau

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

@pilau

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out