Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read