Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship