I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material