Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
You Might Also Like
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
me when i see my girls butt
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I can fix him.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.