I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
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There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.