[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what