I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
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Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought