If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
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I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I have many caverns
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now