I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
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walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway