Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
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I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high