You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
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Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Hello Twits.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”