If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
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God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Basketball games are very squeaky.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Not😆🤣
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.