My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
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Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.