My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
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I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
no such thing as a dumb question
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.