If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
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Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
A short story of betrayal:
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
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Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Not recommended for beginners.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.