Funny Tweeter

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Page of pittdave13's best tweets

@pittdave13 : Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language...

@pittdave13: “You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags...

@pittdave13: [Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

@pittdave13: *Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

@pittdave13: 20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

@pittdave13: Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

@pittdave13: Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

@pittdave13: The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

@pittdave13: Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

@pittdave13: Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?