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Page of pittdave13's best tweets

@pittdave13 : The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

@pittdave13: Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said "oh I like your size." She said "my car's broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?"

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus...

@pittdave13: Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

@pittdave13: First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

@pittdave13: Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

@pittdave13: Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other...

@pittdave13: My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have "the talk" today...
I'm an international crime fighter now

@pittdave13: First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun...

@pittdave13: For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn't funny, what isle is it in