@pittdave13: “You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags...
@pittdave13: [Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
@pittdave13: *Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
@pittdave13: 20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
@pittdave13: Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
@pittdave13: Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
@pittdave13: The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
@pittdave13: Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on
Babies crying everywhere