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Page of pittdave13's best tweets

@pittdave13 : Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

@pittdave13: Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

@pittdave13: The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

@pittdave13: Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

@pittdave13: Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

@pittdave13: As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

@pittdave13: Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

@pittdave13: The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

@pittdave13: Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said "oh I like your size." She said "my car's broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?"

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus...

@pittdave13: Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower