@pittdave13

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

@pittdave13

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

@pittdave13

If calamine lotion was meant to be shared they’d have called it calaYOURS, Melanie

@pittdave13

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

@pittdave13

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

@pittdave13

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

@pittdave13

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

@pittdave13

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy