@pittdave13

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

@pittdave13

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

@pittdave13

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

@pittdave13

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

@pittdave13

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

@pittdave13

*Guy about to invent the television

Why don’t you stand in this box and entertain me

@pittdave13

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

@pittdave13

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

@pittdave13

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts