14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
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Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Mad Max: Furry Road
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”