She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
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so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]