Ice skating is like walking in cursive
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The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
This is my cat’s medicine.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.