Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
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I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog