@pizzajaynow

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

@pizzajaynow

When a Jehovah Witness dies, Heaven turns off all the lights and pretends no one is home.

@pizzajaynow

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

@pizzajaynow

Can someone help me figure out how much water I need to add to this baby powder in order to make a baby?

@pizzajaynow

People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.

@pizzajaynow

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

@pizzajaynow

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

@pizzajaynow

When someone yawns, I like to yell “Surprise Dentist!” and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I’m not really a dentist.