No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
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pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
yall want some gasoline milk
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”