LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
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flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
choose your gary
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
how to market bottled water to dads
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong